We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
