Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
