he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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