life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize