Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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