Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
