Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
