Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
