turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize