I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
