I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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