I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
