6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
