Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
