I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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