you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
