well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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