Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
