I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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