Umm I'm too high to move.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
