absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
