Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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