they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
