Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
