Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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