Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
