ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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