Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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