I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You were trust falling into bushes
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
