He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
