If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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