Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
