i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
