If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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