I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
