Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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