i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
