I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
