we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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