My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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