We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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