The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Randomize
