We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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