I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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