I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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