I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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