if i can run in heels then i can drive
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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