Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
