did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
