If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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