The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
