Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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