so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
