Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
