so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
