I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
