Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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