Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
