Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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